My wife was fitted with a coil. For about 18 months I hated it! She used to pick up CB signals.
— Bob Monkhouse

In awe I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebon void of infinite space wherein the tethered belts of Jupiter and Mars hang forever festooned in their orbital majesty. And as I looked at all this I thought…I must put a roof on this lavatory.
— Les Dawson
I used to have Mad Cow’s disease, but I’m alright Nooooooooow.
— Billy Connolly
A man commented to his lunch companion: “My wife had a funny dream last night. She dreamed she’d married a millionaire.” “You’re lucky,” sighed the companion. “My wife dreams that in the daytime.”
— Sam Ewing
If you’re being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They’re trained for that!
— Milton Jones