Answering Machine Sayings

This is not an answering machine this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I’ll think about returning your call.

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Hello. I’m home right now but cannot find the phone. Please leave a message and I will call you back as soon as I find it.
Hi, I’m not home right now, but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.
A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we’re not here. So leave a message.
Please leave a beep at the message.

 

Funny Retirement Sayings and Quotes

I’m not just retiring from the company, I’m also retiring from my stress, my commute, my alarm clock, and my iron.
– Hartman Jule

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Retirement kills more people than hard work ever did.
– Malcolm Forbes

The money’s no better in retirement but the hours are!
– Anonymous

Retirement without the love of letters is a living burial.
– Seneca

 

Funny Golf Quotes and Sayings

If you watch a game, it’s fun. If you play it, it’s recreation. If you work at it, it’s golf.

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The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing.

I’m not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they’d come up sliced.

Give me the fresh air, a beautiful partner, and a nice round of golf… and you can keep the fresh air and the round of golf.

 

Funny aim profile sayings

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Don t cross your bridges until you come to them.

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I lost my phone number. Can I have yours?
~sweet saying by Cool Pickup

There are only two type of aircraft… fighters and targets.~Major Doyle “Wahoo” Nicholson, USMC

Important documents will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can’t find them.
Love is like the measles, we all have to go through it.

 

Funny cute profile quotes

If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always gotten.

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It takes more faith to believe that I came from a monkey than to believe that I came from God.

Make it too tough for the enemy to get in and you can’t get out.
~sweet saying by Cute Girl

Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push.

 

Funny sayings for your profile

‘Good manners will open doors that the best education cannot.’ — Clarence Thomas, U.S. Supreme Court Justice

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How about never? is never good for you?

You can fall down the stairs, you can fall from a tree. But the best way to fall is in love with me.
~sweet saying by Romantica

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

My body is a temple. Do you want to come over for midnight mass?
I love to give homemade gifts, which one of my kids do you want

 

Funny braless shirts quotes

If you have much, give of your wealth. If you have little, give of your heart.
~cute braless shirts quote

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Semper Gumby: Always flexible

Are you accepting applications for your fan club?

I think that I think, therefore I think that I am.
~sweet saying by Cool Pickup

When all you have is a hammer, the whole world looks like a nail.

 

Funny mike jones t-shirts quotes

Do you have the time? [Gives the time] No, the time to write down my number?

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When there’s a will, I want to be in it!

Music soothes the savage beast…unless it’s polka.
~sweet saying by Movie Master

My name’s not Elmo but you can tickle me anytime.

Never put off til tomorrow what you can do today.
AMERICA-Love It Or Leave It!

 

funny msn cute sayings

A person is grown up not when they can take care of themselves, but when they can take care of others.

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In the beginning, man created God.~Jethro Tull
~sweet saying by The Master

Death is nature’s way of telling you to slow down.

Be consistent (but not all the time)
Don t flog a dead horse.

 

Funny quotes about Children

Children really brighten up a household – they never turn the lights off.
— Ralph Bus

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Experts say you should never hit your children in anger. When is a good time? When you’re feeling festive?
— Roseanne Barr
I’ve got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: “Hello, goodbye, and I’m pregnant.
— Dean Martin
To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.
— Ernest Hemingway