hilarious funny work quotes

A man explained inflation to his wife thus:
‘When we married, you measured 36-24-36. Now you’re 42-42-42. There’s more of you, but you are not worth as much.’
— Lord Barnett

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Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That’s how rich I want to be.
— Rita Rudner
As a child, a library card takes you to exotic, faraway places. When you’re grown up, a credit card does it.
— Sam Ewing (Readers Digest, Dec, 1997)
When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.
— Nick Arnette

 

random funny quotes

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking. cute friend sayings by Cute Guy

Where will you spend eternity? Smoking or non-smoking? cool quote about Religion

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HELP, I AM LOST AND CANNOT FIND MY BEER! sweet sayings by Cool Pickup

Laugh and the world laughs with you… Cry, and the world looks sheepish and suddenly remembers it had other plans. cute saying about cute friend sayings

Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes. sweet quotations about Cool Sayings

‘I blow harder’ ‘well… I bang harder’~true converstion between a trumpeter and a drummer~Jay Chan cool sayings on Music

Beauty is quite different from charm, beauty is what you notice in a woman, charm is when a woman notices you. cute friend sayings by True Color

1st Rule of Daughter-in-Lawhood: Nod and Smile. cool quote about Love

 

Funny Birthday Sayings

“After all what are birthdays? Here today and gone tomorrow.”

“A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age”

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“In the end it’s not the years in your life that count it’s the life in your years”

“It takes a long time to grow young”

“The secret to staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age”

“Few women admit their age, few men act theirs”

“Love is grand, divorce is a hundred grand”

“The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once”

 

hilarious sayings – hilarious one liners

If our American way of life fails the child, it fails us all.
~funny quotes on shirt by Pearl S. Buck

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It destroys one’s nerves to be amiable every day to the same human being.
~shirt by Benjamin Disraeli

There is one word which may serve as a rule of practice for all one’s life – reciprocity.
~sayings about shirt by Confucius

If you have formed the habit of checking on every new diet that comes along, you will find that, mercifully, they all blur together, leaving you with only one definite piece of information: french-fried potatoes are out.
~quotes about Dieting by Jean Kerr

No man is truly great who is great only in his own lifetime. The test of greatness is the page of history.
~funny quotes on shirt by William Hazlitt, Table Talk, 1822

 

Short Funny Quotes & Witty Sayings

Some say the glass is half full, some say the glass is half empty. I say “Are you gonna drink that?”

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Your school GPA is inversely proportionate to your girlfriend’s looks and vise versa.

Everyone has a photographic memory… some just don’t have film.

Common sense is the most evenly distributed quantity in the world. Everyone thinks he has enough.

All people have the right to stupidity but some abuse the privilege.

When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.

 

Funny Irish Sayings and Quotes

Remember even if you loose all, keep your good name; for if you loose that you are worthless.

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The Irish are very fair people, they never speak well for one another.

Good laugh and long sleep are the best cures in a doctor’s book.

May you get all your wishes but one so you always have something to strive for.

Wherever you go and whatever you do, May the luck of the Irish be there with you.

Distant hills look green.

He is bad that will not take advice, but he is a thousand times worse that takes every advice.

 

Funny Life Quotes

You can’t expect to hit the jackpot if you don’t put a few nickels in the machine.
— Flip Wilson

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The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.
— Andy Rooney
The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.
— George Carlin (Sometimes a Little Brain Damage Can Help, 1984)
If all the world’s a stage, I want to operate the trap door.
— Paul Beatty
Life is like stepping onto a boat which is about to sail out to sea and sink.
— Shunryu Suzuki Roshi
I always wait for the Times each morning. I look at the obituary column and if I’m not in it, I go to work.
— A. E. Matthews (quoted in Filmgoer’s Book of Quotes, 1973)

 

Funny Marriage Quotes

Marriage works best for men than women. The two happiest groups are married men and unmarried women.
— Gloria Steinem

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Why get married and make one man miserable when I can stay single and make thousands miserable?
— Carrie Snow
The Three Ages of Marriage: Twenty is when you watch the TV after. Forty is when you watch the TV during. Sixty is when you watch the TV instead.
— Unknown
Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted a whole day.
— Mickey Rooney
Inertia accounts for two-thirds of marriages. But love accounts for the other third.
— Woody Allen (Hollywood Ending, 2002)
In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice that still continues.
— Helen Rowland

 

Funny Football Quotes

Wasn’t it good to see Eric Cantona back in action? Let’s hope that this time he remembers that kicking people in the teeth is the Tory government’s job.
— Tony Blair

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I’m enjoying every day. I’ve tried everything: duck’s head, chicken’s head, chicken’s feet and bats and hopefully, if I keep that up, I’ll be flying.
— Paul Gascoigne (former Soccer Superstar, now playing in the lower divisions of Chinese football)
If he had gunpowder for brains he couldn’t blow his cap off.
— Bill Shankly
Brian Clough’s worse than the rain in Manchester. At least God stops that occasionally
— Bill Shankly
We absolutely annihilated England. It was a massacre. We beat them 5-4.
— Bill Shankly (Thoughts on a wartime Auld Enemy clash)
You son, could start a riot in a graveyard.
— Bill Shankly (to Tommy Smith)

 

random funny sayings 3

If I ve told you once I ve told you a thousand times! cute saying about cute summer sayings

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Give Me Ambiguity Or Give Me Something Else sweet quotations about Cute Quotes

The cigarette does the smoking, you’re just the sucker. cool sayings on Advice

Quiet brain! or I’ll poke you with another Q-tip. cute summer sayings by Cool Pickup

If someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles to frown, but it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and whack them in the head. cool quote about Advice

If you saw with a sawhorse, do you seesaw with a seahorse? sweet sayings by Mr Q

If you read a dictionary, you’ll be really smart. If you eat a dictionary, you’ll be really full. cute saying about cute summer sayings

Christ died for our sins. Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not committing them?~Jules Feiffer sweet quotations about Religion